Kayla's thread

[Headmistress Kayla]

Okay here I go, wish me luck and I can't wait to see what advice you all have for me. If you're wondering, it's for Cali when she finds Kyle cheating on her.

A certain dark-haired freshman couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips or the faint color that stained her porcelain cheeks. Today was a special occassion after all, it was their anniversary. One month, it's been one wonderful month. Most would say that one month was nothing, but when it was your first boyfriend, everything meant the world to you. In her hands was a small blue box, tied with a silver bow. A giggle escaped her lips as she searched for a certain sixteen-year-old male. He had absolutely no clue she was coming to see him today

She stopped in her tracks for a brief moment, opening the case to ensure its contents were still safe. Inside the box was a beautiful silver watch with navy decals. Engraved onto the back were those three worlds, those three short yet, powerful words that had the power to change lives forever. I love you.

It may have been too soon and Seth may not have agreed but, she knew exactly how she felt. In her world of lies and covers, she had been herself with Kyle, something that was normally only reserved for her beloved brother.

Someone had said they saw Kyle out in the courtyard, which was where Calista now stood. Shutting the box, she continued to weave her way through the students. Where was he? Finally, he came into view. He was talking to someone, that mischievous grin displayed so proudly on his handsome face. However, as Calista drew near, her smile faded away.

Who was that girl? That beautiful blonde at his side? She wanted to run to him, to demand what he was doing, why he had his arm around her, but her feet felt like concrete blocks. The noise of the chattering students became silence, their faces blurring and all Calista could see was them. The way Kyle looked at the girl, it was the same way he looked at her. A smile tugged his lips forward and he slowly began to lean in. Her heart pounded rapidly in her ears and her breath caught in her throat. Slowly, he collided his lips with hers.

There was one coherent thought in Cailsta's mind...why? She stumbled forward, forcing her body to move To respond. To do something other than gawk. She launched herself towards them, skidding into a stop before the two. Kyle slowly broke his kiss and his eyes locked with hers; there wasn't a single trace of emotion on his face. No regret, no shocked expression at being caught, just that same cold gaze he gave the rest of the world. Like she was just another person...

Her body began to shake as her hand slowly rose upward. Slap. The audible sound of skin against skin. The sharp feeling rushed up her numb arm as she stared at his now reddening face.

"How could you..." Her present to him dropped to the hard ground as she turned and ran. She pushed herself as far and as hard as she could, straining her legs to just get away. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her heart shattering to pieces. How could he?

Okay~ There we go! Constructive Criticism is very much appreciated.

[Deleted]

We all know that grammatical errors are no big deal, but since the goal here is to improve in any way possible, I'm going to do some nitpicking. Please don't take it personally at all!

1. dark haired dark-haired
sixteen year old sixteen-year-old

Whenever you combine different words to form one descriptor, you need to hyphenate the words. "Sixteen," "year," and "old" are an adjective, a noun, and another adjective that technically do not fit together grammatically, but when you hyphenate them, they become one adjective. That's what you want to do.

2. ...... ... or ,

I'm sure you already know this, but ellipses are meant to be three periods in a sequence: not four, not seven, not two, but three. It's a trivial thing that can easily be overlooked in the informal setting of roleplaying, but a serious writer would think that "......" looks a little silly. Also, make sure you have a space after your ellipses before continuing with the sentence.

3. Ellipses in general
Ellipses were never meant to be used in story-writing. When you're quoting somebody, but it's a long quote, and you only want to use the relevant bits, you chop off the unimportant parts and insert ellipses in their places to let your reader know that you're chopping. However, we fiction writers decided that we were going to use them to connote "pauses." While this is incorrect, it has generally been regarded as acceptable in the literary community. However, overusing them is definitely frowned upon, so don't sprinkle them everywhere. Save the ellipses for the sentences in which a pause would be truly effective. If you don't really need that long pause, settle for a comma or a period. Otherwise... it looks... silly... and it kind of... just... sounds like... the narrator... has... a speech... impediment.

4. Commas and conjunctions
Good: Independent clause, comma conjunction independent clause period.

Example: My name is Mer, and it's nice to meet you.

Bad: My name is Mer and, it's nice to meet you.

Learn the rules regarding independent clauses, dependent clauses, combining conjunctions, coordinating conjunctions, and commas. Learn the proper order. Know them by heart. Embed those rules in your soul. Know how to write a proper simple sentence, a proper compound sentence, a proper complex sentence, and a proper compound-complex sentence. Misplacement of clauses, conjunctions, and commas is the number-one giveaway of an untrained writer.

Other than these trivial grammatical errors that I've pointed out, you're an excellent writer, especially for your age. I commend you for putting yourself out there and for wanting to get even better. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me.

[Headmistress Kayla]

Grammar has never been my strong point ^^ Thank you so much. I've modified it, trying to put your advice into action. Does it look any better?

[Deleted]

Beautiful! Also, there's one other tiny thing that I forgot to mention. I don't know why, but whoever invented English decided that possessive pronouns would not have apostrophes.

Since we say "Calista's lips," you would think that "his lips collided with her's" would make sense, but it's actually "his lips collided with hers."

Instead of "it's contents were still safe," we write, "its contents were still safe."

That's all. Again, for a sophomore in high school, your writing is awesome. I bet your English teachers love having you in their classes.

[Headmistress Kayla]

Thank you so much Mer ^^